worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
