I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
