If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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