K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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