finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
