I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
