I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
