Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
