All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
