you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
