you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
