so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
17 year olds will be the death of me.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
