I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
