I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
