Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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