My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
