Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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