I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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