I just cut my nipple shaving
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
