How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
