everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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