did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
