Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
