She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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