I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
