Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
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