The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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