i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
