come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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