the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
