I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
