I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
