You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Randomize
