so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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