Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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