My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
