did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
