he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
