someone threw a dead crab at me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Holy sore nipples Batman
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
