I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
