Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she peed on how many people?
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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