Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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