I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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