Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
