I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
