I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
