I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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