My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
You're a waste of cheezeits
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
