WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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