Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Randomize
