Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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