i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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