My room smells like vodka and shame
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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