I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Bang-toberfest begins!!
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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