he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
