Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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